Unanswered Questions
by Slightly Sinister Sinestra
Summary: If you could do it all over again, would you do it all the same, knowing the mistakes you'd make.


Just another story focusing on the fact the ZAFT boys were actually soldiers and not just kids flying hunks of metal. It explores the relationship they had, and why they all did everything they did. They're old men in this fic, looking back and thinking about everything they did, and if they were given the chance, would they do everything the same. Please R&R, it'll only be about two minutes out of your life.

Disclaimer: It's really no big secret that I don't own.

**Unanswered Questions**

Dearka once asked me something. He died about a week after asking it, before I had the chance to answer him. Just, what he asked confused me, and I had to think about it. I never even got to ask him why the hell he'd asked the question in the first place. It was one of those questions, the kind that's always on your mind, but you can't answer in words without taking a week.

He asked, if I could go back and live my life all over again, would I do everything the same? Would I join ZAFT, knowing the mess the first Bloody Valentine War would become? Would I make all the same mistakes, knowing the outcome?

One question in three parts, and I couldn't answer any of them. Not right then. So, he left it with me, with his strange little smirk plastered on his face as I walked out. When he died ... I don't think devestation even comes close to how I felt. I still hadn't thought of my answer, and now, he would never get to hear it.

It was at his funneral that I finaly got what I was looking for. I told Athrun what Dearka had asked me, and in doing so, put the question to him. Just to see what he'd say, I guess.

His first reaction was to laugh, that quiet wind-whisper of a chuckle he had. Then, he looked at me, no trace of a smile on his lips, but in his eyes, mingling with the intense sadness. When he spoke, I could hear both tears and laughter embracing in his voice, giving his soft-spoken tone some real gravity. What he said, though, I don't think I'll ever forget that. All the things he brought up and said, well ...

"Yzak ... I ... don't think ... I could ever change a thing. I do everything the exact same, for a second time, consequences be damned. Not because of my mother ... that raw pain only lasted me to Heliopolis ... but, just to ... to tell the world that I'd served with three of the best pilots, and bravest men alive. Just to know that I'd served among heros, for a land I will always love."

He paused after that proclomation, and quickly swiped a hand across his eyes to catch any rebellious tears before they fell. I stood there and stared at him, wondering what to say, but a sudden laughter ignited within his eyes before anything made it past my lips.

"Do you remember, Yzak ... in training that day ... with Knife Fred?"

I couldn't help but burst out laughing. I remembered that day. I remembered the night before it as well, somehow.

"I can't remember how you got out of demonstrating, but you did, Yzak, and dropped Dearka in it doing it!" Athrun choked out between his laughter. "If I had actualy been really pissed off about the night before, I would've let him get discovered."

"He would've hid it Zala, he always dealt with his hangovers well! Plus, he was a fairly good drunk!"

"Says you, you didn't have to pull him in the window!"

"No, I had to drag him back to the base, and I wasn't exactly sobre either!"

The laughter died down after I said that. Both of us just kind of stared at each other for maybe five minutes.

"He was always grateful, Zala, for you offering to do the demonstration instead. Being in the army meant the world to him, and he would've been devestated to be thrown out before even making it."

Athrun sighed, and pushed his iron grey hair away from his face. "I know it did, I know just what it meant to him. That's why I did it. And ... it's times like that that would push me to do everything exactly the same. The way ... with you, Nicol and Dearka ... I could always do the right thing."

He looked at me again, green eyes alight with such a pained understanding and a raw certainty. I couldn't help but give a quiet chuckle. He simply shrugged.

"On a battle field, Yzak, there was only one thing that mattered, and it was you guys. Because, no matter what happened, if all four of us came back to the ship, then we all knew exactly what to say. Or what not to say. Or how to understand everything that went unsaid, and some stuff that got hidden in some rude jibe or the like. Kira ... lost his importance in my life. He still made me feel guilty as heck, and his sister was no better, and I still cared about both of them, but it couldn't hold a candle to what you guys meant to me.

"Like, after Nicol's death, and you just wouldn't stop screaming damnit. I think ... you were trying to get me to snap, and to fight, so you and Dearka could calm me down safely. "

He looked at me, searching for confirmation somewhere. I shrugged.

"Well that, and I was incredibly pissed off and upset myself. But, yeah, I guess I did kinda want that to happen. Didn't work, mind."

He laughed again. "No, I guess it didn't. Still, it was you who pulled me off my guilt trip just a little bit. What was it you said? 'You dare to show your face again?!', was that it? And then, on my transfer, when I was leaving ..."

I cut him off. "I told you not to die until I was your commanding officer. So I could tell you what to do for once. We'd already lost Dearka and Nicol, and I was losing you too ... it kinda hurt ... a lot."

"But ... it was just that ... feeling of ... belonging I had with you guys. The sheer pain I felt over losing Nicol, how much I hated Kira for taking him from me. At the end of the day, Nicol mattered more then Kira. You two mattered more. Dearka hated having you on an opposing side. It devestated both of us, because it was you, with your stupid habit of picking random fights or whispering snide comments, about me mostly.

"I'd do it all over again, just to know and feel all over again the thrill and the agony of the war, and to know that no matter what happened, I'd have three of the ... gr ..."

His voice choked off as a bout of tear flowed down his cheeks, and silent sobs closed his throat over. I was crying too, amazed that he'd kept up talking as long as he had. My throat had closed over long ago.

"Some things ... they don't need to be said, Zala. Just like the half melted moonpie(1) Creuset's pillow never needed to be mentioned." I managed to choke out.

Upon hearing that, Athrun had howled with laughter, managing to force out only one coherent sentance. "Definatly one of Dearka's best tricks!"

We laughed like that for some time, the original question still hanging in the air, but long forgotten. In the end, nobody ever needed to ask that question, and nobody ever really needed to answer it. We all knew, without a doubt, what we would do, given the chance.

Some things ... they just can't or don't need to be said.

xXx

Y'know, at the end of the day, I really do believe that Nicol mattered more to Athrun then Kira. So did Yzak and Dearka, because he never even though about why killing Kira could be wrong after what happened to Nicol. I think that Athrun would always care more about his team, because his team probably knew more about him then Kira ever would because they'd known him under extreme circumstances. Kira was his friend, but Nicol, Yzak and Dearka were his commrades, all fighting for the one cause, so they all understood each other better ... and I'll end this rant now because I could go on about this for another ten pages at least.

1: Just in case anybody is confused, a moonpie is a kind of disk made out of chocolate and ... fudge, I think.

Well, that's all she wrote for this fic. Please drop a review and tell me what ya thought! Constructive crit is always welcome, flames will be used to toast marshmallows.


End file.
